The End of Self-Doubt

I've been thinking a lot about my career. I have been everything from a financial controller and business consultant to an artist and now a writer.

I've spent the past couple of years developing my writing chops and figuring out what I'm going to next. Lately, some very exciting opportunities have come up and with them, the old demons of fear, self-doubt, and self-sabotage.

As I've aged, the patterns of my past are becoming clearer-just before I am about to level-up in my career or business, I pull back. I use the easy excuses of wanting to care for my family, to be home with my daughter. Such excuses sound so honorable. And they are. I convince myself that I am not walking away from an opportunity because I am afraid. No sir. I am walking away because my family needs me. It makes it easy to say no when opportunities arise. Yet plenty of woman are able to raise children and have successful careers. Why didn't I believe I could too?

Letting go of my art business in 2021 was more painful than I let on to you. I have struggled with a great sadness and disappointment in myself. I failed. Worse yet, I failed as an artist. I had tried for 15 years to make a living from my art and I failed. Giving up on a dream is absolutely gutting.

I told myself I wasn't talented, not a good enough artist to make it. But that isn't necessarily true. There are, surely, better artists than me out there, but there are also worse. Regardless of talent, they achieved levels of success that I couldn't seem to achieve.

But the truth is I undercharged for my work and gave too much away free. If I don't think I'm worth it, who will? I would get approached to do licensing, to create products, write books and I wouldn't follow. My excuse was that I was too busy. I had a small child to raise, the timing wasn't right.

I am on the brink of some new opportunities with my writing and I can feel the old patterns staring their engines. Except, my daughter is going to school soon, so using her as an excuse is off the table. Instead I say to myself, "I thought you were going to retire? I thought you were trying to slow down." My sanctimonious self warns me not to get drawn back into the hustle culture.  

But now, the wiser, mature woman in me is stronger. These past few years, since giving up my art business, have changed me and I no longer believe the stories I tell myself to stay small. Success doesn't have to equal hustle but it does mean believing in myself enough to make time for opportunities, to overcome fears and self-doubt.

I got off the phone the other day from an exciting meeting. Within minutes, the critical voices started working on me, finding ways to sabotage the opportunity. But this time, I told them to hush. It is time to focus on me. I have less years ahead of me than behind and if I don't grab the bull by horns, I'll have regrets. And so I move forward, into the terrifying unknown and I hope I will be the better for it. 

When the time is right, I will be able to share my new journey with you.  You are going to love it.

Thanks for always being patient with me and supporting me. It means more than you will ever know.